Look closely. On the right hand side of my right leg you can make out the faint definition of a quad. Doesn't seem that unusual, does it? Heck, most bike racers have them. What many of my reader doesn't know, is that I was born with a very rare condition that is seen in 1 baby for every 4.2 trillion babies born. The condition is called absentquadriceptisitis. When I was old enough, my parents came to me and informed me about my condition. Up to that point, I didn't think much of it. When other kids called me "broomstickleg" I thought they were refering to my excellent sweep shot in soccer. I became self conscious to the point that I would only go out in public with my legs completely covered. I researched plastic surgery and looked into having fat removed from my ass and pumped into my leg. In the end I decided I'd go against all the naysayers and odds, and search out ways to bolster my girth. Through the miracle of riding, I am making progress. But I am only half way there. With your help, I can someday have legs as big as my cat 3 friend, Steve Griffiths. He often refers to his quads as Thunder and Glory. Below you will find three sponsorship levels. Remember, give and give often. Your heart will swell as you know somewhere in Alamo, California, a bike racer is receiving much needed aid in his struggle for quad development.

Gold Level: $2500+. You will receive the complete Johnny GoFast experience. You will get to come home after a long day at work and make dinner, bathe the kids, give them story time and get cracking on the honeydo list that grows at an alarming rate. A tour of Johnny's garage will highlight this experience as you get to patch old tubes, lube chains, and if you are lucky (and good with a wrench), change out a bottem bracket or two.

Silver Level: $1000-2499. You will receive an autographed picture of Roy Firestone. In addition to the photo, I will include authentic Johnny GoFast junkmail received that day.

Bronze Level: Sub $1,000. Pathetic. You get nothing.

I have time to open some mail I've received on previous posts:

A reader writes in: Johnny, I couldn't help but notice that your math is a little off on your mythical fourth place finish at the Norba National in Fontana. To get a true result, wouldn't you need to figure out the percentage difference between the riders used in your formula to get a better idea of how you would have fared? Steve Griffiths Granite Bay, California

Great question Steve. Thanks for writing in. I'm not going to answer, however. You obviously are a roadie and clearly we don't have time for your exactness. If you could have interpolated even a little bit, you would realize that I was using Spliffy's Formula which is more of an accurate predictor for mountain bike racing. You roadies. I mean, my goodness. Invest in some hippee cabbage and relax.

Thanks for reading

Tugboat the Dog