So I've got a neighbor who has a son named Jim. Jim is 52 and lets just say he has the "thirst". I came home from work last night to find Jim walking down my street smoking a cigarette. Jim still lives at home but apparently he can follow the rules and goes outside to smoke. Between the slurs I've been able to determine that Jim is a pretty good guy. I'm not certain if he does anything harsher than the liquor, but I wouldn't put it past him. So he comes wobbling up to me as I retrieved the trash cans from the end of the drive way. A clever negotiator he asks, "what are you doing in a few minutes?" Off guard, I say nothing. He then asks for a ride down to Danville because he needs to borrow some money from his brother. Like hell I want to give this guy a ride, but the chicken shit that I am, I defer and say I have to go ask my wife. About half way I realize that if I come out of the house saying the answer is no, he will understand that my wife is not nice. I quickly also realize that my wife is going to kill me for putting her in that position. All I had to say was no, but I didn't. So by the time I get inside I realize I have to hurl myself on the grenade and tell my wife the situation. Thankfully she is understanding if not a little amused. So I back my car out of the garage and pull into Jim's driveway. I knock on the door to let him know that I'm ready. It's at this point that this critter of a girl comes to the door and introduces herself as Sam, Jim's girlfriend. Yikes! She disappears back into the house and Jim comes back with the liquor stenched breath. He lays out the scenario. His "ole lady" (his term) came down from Tahoe to visit him for a few days, but now he needs her to go back. He needs to get down to Danville to get some money from his brother so he can put Sam on a train to Sacramento where she can catch a bus to Tahoe. "Oh", I say. Five then ten minutes go by, and I'm still on Jim's dad's porch. Finally, Jim and Sam emerge and we get in the car. On the ride I learn that Sam is 40 with three daughters who live with someone on the east coast. I also learn that Sam is married and not to my neighbor Jim who is breathing on me a little too much. I also learn that it was Sam's husband who dropped her off at Jim's house in the first place. "Are we all okay with this", I wonder to myself. It's at this point that Sam starts telling jokes:

Sam: Hey Sean, what do you call a positive orgasm?
John: My name is John and I don't know.
Sam: Sorry John, I thought it was Sean. Jim, why did you tell me his name was Sean?
Jim: I said it was John. You never listen.
Sam: I do too listen. John, I'm sorry I thought your name was Sean. He said Sean. I really have to get back to Tahoe. I have a lot of stuff I need to get done. I have to get back to Tahoe.
Jim: I really appreciate the ride to Danville.
John: No problem.

If anyone knows how that joke ends let me know. I somehow derailed the whole timing by correcting Sam. About five more thank you's from Jim and we arrived at his brothers place of business. Jim wandered in and I noticed a tepid response from his brother when Jim crossed into the store. I also noticed Jim's brother immediately look out to the curb to see how Jim got down there. As you probably have guessed by now, Jim nor Sam are authorized to drive. The brother was a bit thrown to see me. Not that we've met. I'm sure he's used to seeing something a little more beat up with a driver that has had life kick the crap out of him a little more than life has gotten to me. Anyhow, I'm sure it got the brother to move a little more quickly. If I had been a lowlife, maybe the brother would have told him to piss off. Before I knew it, Jim was back in the car and ready to roll. Back down the boulevard and safely deposited back in front of their house, my good deed completed. There were tons of opportunities to a) drive them to Tahoe; b) take them to the Amtrak station in Martinez; c) crack a beer (apparently Sam was packing travelers). All offers were declined. Is it me, or does getting drunk during the day on a Wednesday constitute borderline behavior? Please note: no names were changed to protect the innocent. I definitely feel sorry for Jim, but I also feel a little better about myself and my lot in life after spending some time with these two. Thank your lucky stars.

Johnny GoFast