In has an infinite amount of terms. Boxin' the Clown, Playin' the Skin Fiddle, Rubbin' One Out, Choking the Chicken, etc., but really it all just boils down to masturbation.

So it was a quiet Sunday night and the house was empty except for the wifeage. The boy was at a sleepover and the girl got a late call for the same. So I looked at the wifeage and said, "let's go out on a date." Which we haven't done since we got married like nine years ago, so she readily agreed. I hammered a couple of beers while she got ready and then we jumped in the car and headed for that culinary mecca of Danville. And then the world went a little sideways:

Me: Holy shit! There's a guy back there at the high school totally naked and "takin' care of business!"

Wifeage: Bullshit!

Me: I'm not kidding. He was sitting on the ramp to the science building that I think is now the administrative building totally flogging himself and looking out at traffic.

Wifeage now turning the van around to confirm said story with me adamantly professing my claim.

Wifeage: What do you mean totally naked?

Me: I mean naked as a jay-bird and yankin' his crank like there is no tomorrow.

Now heading back north on the boulevard the wifeage slows down, and right there where I said he would be, an older man (maybe 60 or so) with white hair, a pair of seeing glasses (because as we all know...if you do that kind of thing too much you go blind) and only clad in a pair of Teva's lounged the perp/perv doing his thing.

Wifeage: That is fucking disgusting and we are calling the cops. He could be some sort of sexual deviant.

Me: Good idea. I think the sexual deviant part is probably a given, given the circumstances.

After that, the evening was pretty mild though the cops couldn't get out of the donut shop quick enough to nab the creep. The zooma-zooma as anticipated never really materialized due to the trauma suffered by the wifeage. So I was left to my own devices, if you know what I mean. Anyway, hope you are well and we'll be seeing you around...hopefully with clothes on and showing the proper restraint.

Johnny GoFast