So how to beat Don Myrah? That's the question. The obvious answer is to work harder. But the season is here and that hard work should have happened six months ago. Had I known he was going to be this fast, and subsequently everyone else would be going harder, I wouldn't have skipped a workout in favor of a burrito. I wouldn't have had that night full of beer with the boys on multiple occasions. I wouldn't have taken a fishing trip to Northern Ontario. Okay, wait...I still would have gone to Ontario. A man does have his limits. But what to do now? The man is flying and I'm not. So I've been thinking and I've come up with a list of things I can do now to level the playing field a bit. Let's have a look:

1) You can tell that there has been some sort of dietary change that has occurred. And talking to my mole with inside information on The Myrah (Brock Dickie but don't tell anyone), tells me he's dropped like 30 pounds from last year. That's like dropping a piano off your back. Anyway, I can infer from the fact that he was lugging 30 extra pounds last year that the man likes to eat. So I've started ordering him pizza and it has been arriving at his house since Sunday night. It's Zach's stuffed pizza with extra pepperoni and sausage. Who can resist that? I've also taken the liberty of having it delivered with an ice cold pitcher of Sierra Nevada beer.

2) Item one above is great on a long term basis, but more immediate corrective action is necessary. So I've enlisted Griff to set up a food stand on course near one of the wheel pit areas. It will face both sides of the course offering Don, and only Don, a feed. The first stand option for Don will be the Apple Fritter donut. It is only the most perfect donut ever and should hit his stomach like a cinder block. Upon returning to the booth, I have instructed Griff to then hand up a deep fried leg of ham for The Myrah to munch on. It will be important for the rest of us to "let" Don have a bit of a lead off the front so he feels like he has time to partake in this noshfest.

3) I don't anticipate that this alone will slow down The Myrah enough so that any of us will now have a chance so that is why we are going to enact Operation Flying Wallenda Brothers. This will obviously be the most difficult to pull off as it will require precision unlike anything seen at a NorCal Cyclocross race ever. My plan is that we have Henry Kramer and Gannon Myall pedalling the bikes as seen in the picture, with Chris D'Alusio perched in the chair. As they come upon The Myrah munching on his leg of ham while the juices roll down his chin, we will have Chris leap from his post and onto the Myrah. Quickly, Chris will need to scurry into one of The Myrah's jersey pockets and hunker down. It is important that Chris perform this function as he is both a) small enough to fit in one of the pockets, and b) the only one I've met out of any of you that can be quiet for the any length of time.

4) At this point, The Myrah should be slowing. No doubt the confusion will be setting in as he notices that he hasn't lapped 3/4 of the field yet and that he can actually hear bikes clanging away behind him. If it looks like he isn't pedalling squares yet, we will need to resort to drastic measures. My plan is to ride off the back (I feel particularly well suited for this task), and as The Myrah approaches, I will veer off course and through the tape. With Oz or Bustos following, I will have them quickly retape the course to follow me. Once The Myrah is on my wheel, they will then switch the tape back to its regular position to mark the correct path. This will give those that were close enough, a bit of a gap before The Myrah knows he's been duped.

5) Once The Myrah is back on course, we're pretty much on our own. I did think about employing DeFiebre at this point to give The Myrah a rub or two. Keith likes to bang about as witnessed at the last Pilarcitos race when apparently he got into it with the Otis Guy guy. If Keith can get Otis Guy guy chirping (something I've been able to do as well but I don't think I have enough speed to catch The Myrah--Keith has it in him), maybe he can do the same with The Myrah. I also thought that we could get the lap card guy in our employ and give The Myrah false information with how many laps are left, but those officials are tough to bribe. Believe me, I've tried.

Anyway, short of actually doing the work, I thought we could try this. Does anyone else have any ideas? If we work together, certainly somebody can out duel this man.

Johnny GoFast