The following story is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. While riding down the Boulevard today with two other WellsFargonads, our brilliant pace was interrupted by the blare of a police siren. There has been a crack down as of late on a nefarious gang known to frequent these areas and known in police enforcement circles as simply, the Two Wheeled Brethren. Thought to be trafficking in GU gels or similar and known to carry fluids to enhance refreshment and replace electrolytes, the cops have noticed a trend that involves blatant disregard for traffic signals, stop signs, and general unsightliness related to spandex. In an internal communique seen only by a double agent we have on our team, the memorandum reads: "...any and all cyclists caught within city limits should cease and desist immediately." Cease and desist what is not entirely clear but it seems that we are being targeted. Anyway, this is how it went down:


(Siren blare!!!)

Johnny GoFast: Jiggers, it's the pigs. I say we run for it!

Ethan Kutcher: Are you out of your mind? Look how fat you are. You couldn't outrun a meter maid.

Ryan Nicholson: I'll handle this. I think the police officer goes to my church.

(We have now come to a stop and the officer has exited his vehicle)

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Johnny GoFast: Because the economy is in the toilet and your endless stream of funds from Sacramento has been turned off and you now have to hand out tickets to every John Q. Taxpayer that blinks the wrong way?

Cop: No, for running that red light back there.

Ryan Nicholson: Well actually officer, we knew the light was red but we were in the bike lane and it is a three way signal with no road to our right entering the intersection. We didn't think we had to stop.

Johnny GoFast: That light was green.

Ethan Kutcher: Johnny, I think you should shut up.

Johnny GoFast: I'm not going to shut up! Hell no! This is oppression, man. Look where shutting up got Reginald Denny.

Ethan Kutcher: I think you mean Rodney King.

Johnny GoFast: Whatever. This fascist isn't gonna take me without a fight.

Cop: Look, I just want to issue you guys a verbal warning. The ticket is $300. and I really don't want to have to write three of them out.

Johnny GoFast: Typical. I've been in this town since 1976. I've seen this police force grow to bloated proportions and there is absolutely no crime to speak of either before or after you guys came into power. I'm not surprised that you don't want to do anything. Lazy donut eater.

Ryan Nicholson: Johnny, please shut up. I think he's going to let us go. What is it with you, are you on crack?

Johnny GoFast: If I am, that cop planted it on me.

Cop: That does it. (Me now physically getting wrestled to the ground. I fought back maintaining my street cred with my two Fargonad gang members.) This smartass is going for a ride.

Johnny GoFast: You got nothin' copper. There ain't no pen that can hold me! (With that I flashed some gang symbols to Ryan and Ethan. I signaled them asking them to take care of my bike and that they should whack the cop over the head with one of their hand held bike pumps to spring me. They both stared back blankly.)

Anyway, instead of my one phone call, they allowed me access to the internet to find a lawyer. Instead, I decided to blog this. Hope you are well. I can take visitors between 2pm and 4pm on Thursdays only.

Johnny GoFast