So back in November I had the pleasure of having great legs on the day of District Championships which garnered me the win and the jersey. I've never won anything so naturally I was giddy. So much so, that the dry heaves I was feeling during and right after the race seemed worth it. As it is the biggest win of my rather shallow career, I thought I'd go in style and order me up one of those cool looking districts jerseys. A transcript of my phone call is below. Enjoy.


Voler: Thank you for calling Vo-Lay, this is Colin. How can I help you?

Me: Ummm...sorry Colin, I must have dialed the wrong number. I was trying to get to Vo-ler, the cycling clothes company.

Me now in the process of hanging up...

Voler: No, no, you're in the right spot. It used to be pronounced Vo-ler but the marketing department changed the pronunciation to Vo-Lay in an effort to compete with some of the foreign brands on the scene now.

Me: Oh.

Voler: Anyway, what can I do for you?

Me: I wanted to buy one of those district champions jerseys.

Voler: I'll need your USCF number to verify your request.

Me: 131006.

Voler: I'll have to put you on hold while I check with the data base.

Now on hold listening to a muzak version of Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" song.

Voler: Mr. Mundelius?

Me: Yes?

Voler: We can't find any record of you winning any races last year.

Me: Look under cyclocross, the tab that reads "Bad ass Cycling Discipline."

Voler: Oh. My apologies. We don't keep the data on Cyclocross but I'll trust you on this one. What size jersey do you need?

Me: Large.

Voler: Okay...I've got you down for a large. Do you want bib shorts to go with that?

Me: (In my head I'm thinking...no I just want the jersey...but then I start thinking that a jersey/bib combination would look pretty bad ass) Ummm...sure.

Voler: Great. How about a wind jacket as well?

Me: Hadn't even thought of a wind jacket...but I did see the Myrah rocking one the weekend after the race...and if it is bad ass enough for the Myrah...well then maybe I'll look bad ass too) Umm...sure.

Voler: You know what looks awesome? Arm warmers, gloves and a cycling cap all that match.

Me: No shit! Throw 'em in the cart.

Voler: (Now audibly giddy with the unloading of last years dated District Champion's gear--no doubt surrounded by other sales reps all Boiler Room like as he reels in a whale) You said you raced cyclocross...no doubt you want a long sleeve jersey.

Me: Does Pinocchio have wooden butt cheeks? Hell yes!

Voler: Some of the better crosser's prefer to race in skinsuits, what kind of racer are you?

Me: The kind that now needs a skin suit. And before you ask, I'll take a short and long sleeve option.

Voler: Great. Tell you what, I'm going to give you a discount normally reserved for our pro's, and due to the size of your order, I'm going to throw in some socks. Shipping is free if you choose ground UPS. (Me now smiling due to all the free crap coming my way and also at the idea that UPS man Kevin Merrigan won't make a dime off of me on my order) Your total is 1,183.95.

Me: (Picking myself up off of the floor...all I can meekly mutter is) Ummm...maybe you can just send the jersey.

Voler: You don't want all the other stuff?

Me: I do. But the team reimbursement is a little thin when it comes to the cyclocross team.

Voler: (Colin now audibly crushed) No problem. I understand. The jersey will go out in the mail tonight. Thank you for calling Vo-lay.

Me: Thank you. Goodbye.

Anyway, that's how it went down, and for a minute there, I was going to look pretty damn pimpin'. Hope you are well and see you out there rolling real soon.


Johnny GoFast