So I've been in a funk lately and it's due totally to the pace I've been keeping. December is great but it also sucks. The endless stream of parties are awesome as I reconnect with friends but I have to admit that they beat me down. It's only the 12th and I just looked at the schedule for the remainder of the month and it's like looking at an avalanche coming directly at me. So I felt it was time to drag out this photo as an inspiration and hopefully, if you are as beaten down as me, put a smile on your face as well.

You might be asking yourself, "what in the hell did you get yourself into there Johnny?" Quality question. A few years ago, I believe during the Griffociraptor bachelor/bachelorette house boat party on Shasta, I had maybe a little too much to drink. "Nooooooo," you say looking at the picture but in fact that is the case. I read somewhere that you should never ever get photographed while holding a coctail but I am clearly in violation. I'm sure there are some rules regarding getting photographed in a little girls bathing suit while wrapping your arm around a close to unclothed man, but really I'm only aware of the coctail rule. Anyway, we were drinking and it was kind of dusky out and my girlfriend at the time had gone home so I plowed into some beer. Feeling pretty good and standing on the shore with some buddies shooting the bull, my buddy Pete Morris came walking down the beach with something dangling from the end of a stick. I wasn't wearing my glasses so at first it looked like a rubber chicken. When he got a little closer I recognized it to be a little girls bathing suit. It had been in the sand for who knows how long, but Pete fished it up and brought it back to the group. We wondered how it got lost and how long it had been missing, etc. And then the 40-watt bulb in my head flickered on. "If you guys can put together a collection of cash, I will put that thing on," I said with a chuckle. Almost immediately a Jerry Lewis telethon broke out. To this day I'm convinced that they even set up a phone bank and had volunteers wildly answering calls in the background. $30 was raised and I took them up on the offer. I dropped my shorts and began the daunting task of cramming my stuff into a little girls bathing suit. I can assure you that I had honed no skill set for such a task and the going was a lot tougher than expected. My buddies thought it was hilarious and they were really carrying on. This caught the attention of everyone else that was still lounging on the boats. When they looked over to see me buck naked wiggling and writhing, well hell, let's just say it looked like a jail break as everyone came running up the beach for a closer view. There were plenty of women in the group, so I became highly motivated to complete my mission. Just before all arrived I was able to get the suit high enough to adequately cover my love making section, if you know what I mean. Of course, all the people with money in on this deal said that the suit needed to be up and over my shoulders. I now had a group of 20 routing me on. I was able to get one strap over my right shoulder, but I had to bend over quite a bit. I then stood up and bent over to the left. I got the strap over my shoulder and at this point, all I needed to do was stand up and I would be flush with the green. I didn't know if the suit would hold, clamp down on my jewels something awful, slam up my butt crack, etc. I slowly stood as the group watched on in horror. I'm pleased to announce that the suit held and that there was only limited discomfort in my nether regions. Everyone, and I mean everyone, laughed hysterically. I posed for pictures with anyone who wanted one, but this is the only one that I have left. There are still a few about that I see now and again on people's refrigerators. One "friend" even had some t-shirts made up. I think back on that one moment in time where everyone was laughing and smiling and I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments. Someday I may rue the decision, but that day isn't today. Hope you are smiling.

Johnny GoFast