Wifeage: I'm on my way to Costco...is there anything you can think of that we need a pallet of?

GoFast: Do they sell luck?

Wifeage: Seriously. I don't have time for this.

GoFast: Why are you going to Costco?

Wifeage: I'm going to pick up some wrapping paper.

GoFast: Don't we already have enough to wrap the entire neighborhood?

Wifeage: Yes, but the kids have seen all that paper. I need to get some paper they haven't seen to wrap the "Santa" presents. I'm going to hide it in the computer room behind the bed.

GoFast: Why are you telling me where you are going to hide it?

Wifeage: In case something happens to me.

GoFast: Should something happen to you, I think the least of what I'm going to be concerned about is where the special "Santa" paper is. I mean that's just insane. How can you keep this many balls in the air? In fact, if something happens to you, I'm fairly certain that the kids are going to find out that in a complete and total shock to the world, Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all died on the same day you did.

Wifeage: You don't need to kill the Tooth Fairy. I've only remembered to leave money once. You've been doing an excellent job remembering to be the fairy.

GoFast: Okay, the fairy gets to live. But Santa and the Bunny are going down.

Wifeage: Please break it to them softly.

GoFast: Don't let anything happen to you.


Of course later, when they figure out that she was Santa and I was the Fairy, they'll have all sorts of gender questions for me. But at least I won't have to remember which paper is which for the sake of Santa. It's not even December yet, and the insanity has begun. Somebody save me.

Johnny GoFast