The following story is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. While riding down the Boulevard today with two other WellsFargonads, our brilliant pace was interrupted by the blare of a police siren. There has been a crack down as of late on a nefarious gang known to frequent these areas and known in police enforcement circles as simply, the Two Wheeled Brethren. Thought to be trafficking in GU gels or similar and known to carry fluids to enhance refreshment and replace electrolytes, the cops have noticed a trend that involves blatant disregard for traffic signals, stop signs, and general unsightliness related to spandex. In an internal communique seen only by a double agent we have on our team, the memorandum reads: "...any and all cyclists caught within city limits should cease and desist immediately." Cease and desist what is not entirely clear but it seems that we are being targeted. Anyway, this is how it went down:


(Siren blare!!!)

Johnny GoFast: Jiggers, it's the pigs. I say we run for it!

Ethan Kutcher: Are you out of your mind? Look how fat you are. You couldn't outrun a meter maid.

Ryan Nicholson: I'll handle this. I think the police officer goes to my church.

(We have now come to a stop and the officer has exited his vehicle)

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Johnny GoFast: Because the economy is in the toilet and your endless stream of funds from Sacramento has been turned off and you now have to hand out tickets to every John Q. Taxpayer that blinks the wrong way?

Cop: No, for running that red light back there.

Ryan Nicholson: Well actually officer, we knew the light was red but we were in the bike lane and it is a three way signal with no road to our right entering the intersection. We didn't think we had to stop.

Johnny GoFast: That light was green.

Ethan Kutcher: Johnny, I think you should shut up.

Johnny GoFast: I'm not going to shut up! Hell no! This is oppression, man. Look where shutting up got Reginald Denny.

Ethan Kutcher: I think you mean Rodney King.

Johnny GoFast: Whatever. This fascist isn't gonna take me without a fight.

Cop: Look, I just want to issue you guys a verbal warning. The ticket is $300. and I really don't want to have to write three of them out.

Johnny GoFast: Typical. I've been in this town since 1976. I've seen this police force grow to bloated proportions and there is absolutely no crime to speak of either before or after you guys came into power. I'm not surprised that you don't want to do anything. Lazy donut eater.

Ryan Nicholson: Johnny, please shut up. I think he's going to let us go. What is it with you, are you on crack?

Johnny GoFast: If I am, that cop planted it on me.

Cop: That does it. (Me now physically getting wrestled to the ground. I fought back maintaining my street cred with my two Fargonad gang members.) This smartass is going for a ride.

Johnny GoFast: You got nothin' copper. There ain't no pen that can hold me! (With that I flashed some gang symbols to Ryan and Ethan. I signaled them asking them to take care of my bike and that they should whack the cop over the head with one of their hand held bike pumps to spring me. They both stared back blankly.)

Anyway, instead of my one phone call, they allowed me access to the internet to find a lawyer. Instead, I decided to blog this. Hope you are well. I can take visitors between 2pm and 4pm on Thursdays only.

Johnny GoFast

The Daughter: I heard you and Mama are going to the movies tonight.

Me: That's right. Kind of a date, I guess.

The Daughter: Are you going to share a popcorn?

Me: Probably.

The Daughter: Are you going to get a soda with two straws?

Me: I suppose.

The Daughter: Are you then going to share a kiss?

Me: Is that what you think happens on dates?

The Daughter: Of course!

Me: Then you're not going on any until I'm dead and buried.

She just giggled and left the room like I was joking around. Little does she know that I plan to live a very long time and that I plan to buy a gun soon and learn how to aim it at adolescent young boys. Anyway, hope you are well.

Johnny GoFast

Holy schmoly does time go by quickly. I even got harangued through my Facebook page for not posting on a regular basis. Well, here goes nothing:

1. The boy started his baseball season. He is a great contact hitter but can't field a lick. Go figure.

2. I got busted skiing out of bounds at Alpine Meadows on a powder day. We had gotten lazy and cut across a closed section to get to some open terrain to cut off some traversing. A ski patrolmen was there and let us have it. Later I learned that my season pass was turned off.

3. Some friends from Minnesota who have a timeshare at Northstar came for a week and we got together for some skiing at Northstar having been banished from my home mountain--Alpine Meadows.

4. Traveled to Davis for some VO2 max and blood lactate testing. I'm now part of a study that will chronicle the increase in both over an 18 month period as a master type athlete gets into shape.

5. For the record, I have a VO2 max that is slightly better than your garden variety couch potato. And for those of you that don't know, VO2 isn't something that is largely trainable. So I'm currently auditioning new hobbies like baseball player heckling (see item six below).

6. Traveled to Arizona where I participated in a baseball fantasy draft, took in some baseball spring training games and joined in on a guy heckling Nomar Garciapara by telling him/Nomar that his wife (Mia Hamm) looks like she smells like salami when she sweats.

7. I had just a little too much to drink for the later part of item six above.

8. I have no field information regarding the natural odor of Mia Hamm.

9. Took the kids up to Tahoe for their final ski team weekend. Maile rode up Summit lift twice on the final day. Jackson got the award for being the best buddy to all the guys on his team. That was a pretty proud moment...twice.

10. Met with the head of ski patrol at Alpine to see if I could get my pass turned back on. We had a great conversation and ultimately I talked my way back into skiing. But I learned a lot and a pretty negative situation turned out okay.

11. Project Johnny Two Point Oh goes solid with good sensations and consistent riding.

12. A college friend came from San Diego with family in tow to ski at Alpine. Had a great time getting the families together.

13. Jackson skied some killer terrain with me one day last week at Alpine. We enjoyed a bit of powder and made some great runs through the trees below Chutes That Seldom Slide, Gentian Gully (more specifically the runs below Broccoli Tree) and finally some open turns down Promised Land. These are some of my most favorite spots and to be skiing them with the boy was out of this world.

14. Rode with Griff on a "kind of hilly" route near Granite Bay. One "kind of hill" saw us climbing in first gear, out of the saddle at a whopping 40rpms.

15. The ride also had us going across a "little stream" that crossed over the road at one point. The "little stream" turned out to be a raging torent that came up to my knee on the down stroke. He dabbed. I didn't.

16. You know it's not a "little stream" when there are two kayakers shoving off from the aforementioned road. They offered to ferry me across. Again, not something I would classify as a "little stream".

17. Found out one of our chickens is a rooster. We got the "chicken" on Halloween and one of the kiddiewinks named her/him Trick. How appropriate.

18. The wifeage found a home for him down in Sunnyvale but the guy didn't want her to drop it off at his house. They met at some random spot and now I suspect that Trick is on some sort of cockfighting death circuit. But then again, it's not cock-a-doodle-doing in our backyard so who cares?

19. I just repurchased some Rudy Project team stuff (helmet that cracked last year in a crash and glasses that were schnibbied from somebody at the last race after I had thrown them down near my stuff during the race). So I must be getting serious if I want to look all team like again.

20. Spent Easter with the family and opened a special B-Mar and Clare bottle of wine and toasted the family.


Tomorrow we will reach into the mail bag and then I'll procrastinate for three weeks on what to write. Hope you are well.

Johnny GoFast