Way before I ever got into this bike racing thing, I was a happy beer drinking, tobacco chewing, golfin' maniac. I lived in Minnesota and was perfectly content to lift weights, play basketball, watch tons of sports, become a dart champion, and eat mass quantities of bratwurst. I had a group of pals that I am still great friends with today. They still live there and by all accounts, live like they've never left. Most are married now with families, so the scene is a bit toned down. But every now and then, when the women folk look the other way, we get together and live like we did in our 20 somethings.

I get on the plane at noon today, and by tomorrow at this time, I'll be jumping into 10 Mile Lake in Northern Minnesota. According to my buddy with the cabin, the name dates back to the Native Americans as they used to say that the lake was 10 miles from Leech Lake in Walker, MN. I question this fact, as I don't think the Indians used our standard of measurement back in the day. The lake probably should be called Two Moons or something. Anyway, I have a friend that owns a bonafide log cabin in the Great Northwoods, and it's pretty close to heaven on earth. We'll golf, and chew, and drink, and boat, and eat, and drink. It'll make me long for my younger days, when breaking a sweat or losing my breath, weren't really a part of my vocabulary. It'll make me question my current state in which I eat small quantities of lettuce, wear spandex, get called a "fag" by some jarhead in a pick-up every time I ride, fight with the wife about the need to do a five hour training ride and that spending a weekend in Madera is good time allocation. The amount of my money that now gets poured into two wheeled contraptions is mindboggling. I just got off the phone with one of this weekends participants and he was speechless when I told him how much I just spent on my Specialized S-Works carbon hardtail. "Something that expensive should come with a motor," he deadpanned. Maybe he's right. I'll let you know if my perspective changes next week.

Johnny GoFast

So I set up a date with my wife and kids last night, to do an open space walk after work. We like to look for frogs, deer, bobcats, woodpeckers, and anything else that crosses our path. It's a lot of fun to say the least. So I'm sitting there on this rock, 15 minutes past the appointed meeting time and it dawns on me that I'm getting stood up. So I dig out my cell phone, shocked that I have it and even more shocked that there's enough juice in it to place a call. "Oh my gosh, honey, I totally forgot," she says. Dejectedly, I climb back in my car and make the lonely drive back home. No big deal, honest mistake.

Then this morning, I'm having my breakfast and in comes my wife from her run. She says, "thanks for remembering to make my omelet," and sits down to join me. "That's all," I say? Curiously, she looks at me unsure how to answer. I can see the tumblers working themselves into a fit trying to figure out where I'm going with all of this. Satisfied she finally chirps, "can't think of anything else. Sorry about last night again." I go back to eating my breakfast in stone cold silence. Clueless she goes on about something or other. Finally I stop her dead in her tracks and wish her a happy anniversary. "Is that today," she says as tears are welling up in my eyes. She fumbles for a check book to verify the date. "June 15th is today," she digs deeper. "Five of the happiest years of my life are celebrated today by apparently me only," I quiver. With that she throws her arms around me and we do a little impromptu dance. The kids look on in confusion.

She truly is the love of my life and has given me more than I could ever have imagined or hoped for. Oh, and for those of you wondering, nothing real big planned for tonight. About a week ago, I asked if we could get a babysitter arranged for this evening and she said, "what for?" Apparently I haven't had quite the same impact on her. Guess I'll go ride.


Johnny GoFast

Take the quiz, win the frame, fork and extras pictured above:

1) Finish the lyric: ...dressed in yellow, she says hello, come sit next to me you fine fellow...

2) Coors Light hails from what city and state?

3) In the movie Top Gun, when Maverick was showboating with the MiG, how was Cougar doing?

4) Please describe a "number six" from the movie Blazing Saddles.

5) Who said, "are you using the whole fist Doc?"

6) Please describe the events that triggered the downfall of heavy metal in the 80's.

7) What number did Tommy Boy use to describe his future mother in law? Extra credit goes to those who know who Tommy Boy's mother in law was in the movie. Hint: I wanted to do her back in the 70's and I still want to do her. Although now I have to say "make love" as I'm supposed to be mature and shit.

8) Jimmy Carter is to peanuts as Bill Clinton is to....

9) Ginger or Mary Ann?

10) Since 1996 Steve Griffiths has retired more than once. Please accurately identify how many times he has retired.

Good luck. A 61cm Mondonico Steel Frame awaits your garage and neglect.

Johnny GoFast

So I went out and played a little golf yesterday. I was in the Sacramento area on biz and decided to go play with a buddy at his course near Auburn. I shot a 96 which exactly tied my buddy. Interesting game, golf. You can tell a lot about a person if you play a round with them. I've played with some, that are so intense about their damn game, that they have no time for the social aspect of being out there together. I've played with others that have seriously questionable ethics. Not that I keep track of others scores or anything, but when I watch them pump a couple out of bounds and then card a six, I have to wonder. The crew yesterday was a fine bunch with equally high standards and socialability. As for how this translates to speed on the bike, I would have to say it does. I was working on my slow speed yesterday. When I started riding, I stopped golfing as the 96 will attest. I used to make sure that my rides did not take me past more than two courses in anyone ride. The thinking being, if I don't see the course, maybe it doesn't exist. Also, the best name ever invented to describe golf...Whack-Fuck.

Hope you are well.

Johnny GolfFast

So it’s no secret that something has been bugging me lately. I’ve been watching guys on other teams that I indirectly sponsor. Three of which are Safeway, California Giant Strawberry and Sierra Nevada. It’s akin to pumping $65 worth of gas into my behemoth and hearing the big, fat, ugly oil company chuckle at me. So I’ve done something about it. Well, quitting Sierra Nevada beer was tough, but not insurmountable as I reach for the Racers Choice (Coors Light for those that are new to my internet presence). But how to circumvent Safeway and Cal Giant so the BagBoys and BerryHeads don’t feed off my patronage? It hit me somewhere in the middle of my TT at Madera aboard the McPatty BlewByYou. Look at all this food just growing here in the middle of nowhere. I could do that, couldn’t I? So for the better part of the last month, I’ve built three planter boxes in my back yard, moved 10 yards of dirt, bought plants, thrashed hands, threw out my back and gotten a wicked sunburn. I’m into this thing for over two grand already and I haven’t harvested one vegetable. But when I do, those funds will be well spent. Later, after I upgrade into the three’s and earnestly race with my future nemeses, it will be all worth it. I’m trying to figure out how to remove my Spine, but that is proving to be a formidable problem.

Look forward to having you all for dinner someday where items will include:

Strawberries
Zucchinis
Cucumbers
Tomatoes of all shapes and sizes
Bell Peppers
Dill
Thyme
Egg Plant
Carrots
Pumpkin (Which is really only getting planted so I can tell my favorite joke of all time all the time. What is somebody from Kentucky’s favorite holiday?…..Halloween. As in Pump-Kin.)

Hope you are well.

Johnny GrowFast

This weeks feature article is on good friend Dan Hoskins. (I just wanted to blatantly plug one of my sponsors). He's not so much a sponsor but more of a guy that gave me a hat once (a really cool hat at that). He also buys me a burrito from time to time, which I appreciate. I first met Dan in High School. I was a football player which made me a rocker. Dan was a swimmer/waterpolo player which made him a fishhead. We liked to think that we had something on the swimmers as we got to play under the lights on Friday night. Hell, the cheerleaders were cheering for us. I never saw them on the pool deck, not once. But somehow, the swimmers got all the wool. Sure the quarterback would have some chick on his arm, but us linemen were left in the woods with nothing but stump--hear what I'm saying. Dan was an All American, or at least that's the way I tell it, in waterpolo and went on to swim at Cal. He led the Wolves to the NCS final but as is true to form for the Lobos, they lost when "Crossbar" Colin Sherrill forever became immortalized for cranking one off the crossbar on a penalty shot late in the game. Dan doesn't consider this his biggest disappointment however. That would come at Cal where he was unceremoniously thrown out of the weightroom by a walk on football player. Later, that walk on went on to star in soft porn movies and marry a Saudi Oil barons daughter, and that really gets Dan's dander up to this day. Dan endured second class citizenship when he became a member of the Cal Lightweight rowing squad. The heavies were the power back then, well at least until UCLA got their crap together, and treated the lights as if they were second class citizens. Through it all, Dan kept his upper lip stiff and it has made him the man he is today.

Upon graduation, Dan entered the food and beverage industry getting on board with Cola Uber Power--Pepsi (editors note: I love Diet Pepsi, but I quit as of Tuesday and after I'm done with this post I'm going back under my desk to shake uncontrollably). From there, Dan moved onto Odwalla and almost single handedly brought down the company twice. The first was when Dan inadvertently let some cow manuer into a batch of juice and ecoli ran rampant through the stores. The second was when the company warehousemen were trying to unionize. Dan is somewhat of an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside a fortune cookie. He'll tell you he's a repub, but votes dem. He'll tell you he doesn't like the union, but he's constantly trying to get it on with his wife.

Today, Dan is the COO of Sundia Watermelon Juice. If you like, he can go for hours talking about this fruit. And you know, I find it fascinating. The juice is pretty darn tasty. Among other celebs that drink the drink, Dan Vickery lead guitarist Counting Crows, Dennis Eckersley (and his wife). He is the proud father of three kids and is very engaged. He actually went and sat in on classes at various schools in his area to judge for himself the curiculum that was being taught. Recently 40 and an Orinda resident, Dan is extremely praiseful of his wife. He once proclaimed that his wife makes more money, is smarter, and is better looking than an other wife he has ever met. I'm sure we all feel that way, but Dan will tell total strangers on the morning BART train stuffed with commuters. He's on his way, to be sure.

It is my pleasure to introduce Dan to my growing list of readers. Watch for this rising star as Sundia Watermelon Juice makes its way up the ladder to greatness. It will have everything to do with my good friend.


Johnny GoFast