So I come home on Friday night after a long day at the rock pile and the wifeage is in the kitchen pert near tears about our financial situation. Seems the old GoFast family has loosened the collective belt and our spending has gotten a little out of line. We're a lot like you in that we do our part to fund the economy, and we often lose sight of the importance of hoarding our cash. Don't get me wrong, we max the 401k, max the Roth IRA accounts, put away heaps of money so the kiddiewinks can run off to college one day, etc. But we have a set budget and we have a set amount of cabbage that we like to bank on a monthly basis and the two haven't been seeing eye to eye lately, and that gives the wife pause. And then I'm standing there with a crappy look on my face. This is how it went down:

Wifeage: Why are you standing there with a crappy look on your face. I just told you we have no money.

Me: You mean after all the money we squirrel away in all the various accounts, and after we pay all the bills and then send a sizable chunk to the now failing financial institution down the street?

Wifeage: Why the face?

Me: Me? I'm not making a face. What's that smell? Is that dinner? It smells great.

Wifeage: It's the chicks. I haven't cleaned out their box and there is chickenshit all over it. Seriously, why are you making such a weird face?

Me: I got a really good deal on some wheels for the cross bike and I bought them.

(Me now visibly wincing and probably still making the face.)

Wifeage: Well you're just going to have to unbuy them. You'll have to give them back and say you're sorry but we just don't need a 15th pair of wheels.

Me: But these are tubulars. I don't have any tubulars and it will solve all the issues I've been having with my current tires rolling off the rim. I can run them at lower pressure which will make me go faster.

(At this point I could tell that something had registered with her regarding my impassioned speech. There was a bit of a pause and for a brief moment a flicker as she mulled this information over.)

Wifeage: Faster, you say? How much faster?

Me: I don't know. But it should be a better solution to what I'm running.

Wifeage: I understand they pay money at these races you're going to if you finish well. Isn't that so?

Me: I think so.

Wifeage: Then you better start getting in the money.

At this point we hugged. She shook her head and then told me to lay off any more major expenses. I tried out the Lauren plan of selling our kids to the gypsies. She balked.


So if you saw the wifeage at the race yesterday beating on me like a rented mule to catch up to the leaders while I looked like I was going to barf out loud, now you know. Wifeage wants the money and what the wifeage wants, the wifeage gets.

Hope you are well.

Johnny GoFast

I've lost my mind. Or that's at least what the wifeage said to me when I said I needed tubular wheels for my cross bike. I've been having issues with those Tufo tubular clinchers rolling off the rim lately, but I've been getting away with it. I had some rub working for the last two laps at Laguna Seca and some serious rub working the last couple of laps at McLaren. Gives me pause no doubt. So I went home and told the wife that I need some new wheels, tubulars specifically, and she took a big deep breath. Times are tight around the GoFast household and there just isn't the type of liquidity we've seen in days gone by. But she paused, and I said, "do not let the next thing that comes out of your mouth be the thing that gets me to dnf'n at these races." She's been cool this year and I'm running a mostly new rig this year (because she knew I was due for an upgrade in the Millennium Falcon department), but the tire/wheel thing ain't cutting it and she knows it. So she asked how much I could get it done for and I lied my ass off something serious and she okay'd the expenditure. So I think I'll be gingerly riding the course this weekend on the tubular/clincher set up, but next week I should be joining those that figured this tubular thing out long ago. Funny how the nicest set of wheels I will own will be on the bike that gets hammered the most. I wouldn't have it any other way. Anyway, looking forward to seeing all you all at the Spooktacular this Sunday. Oh, and if you can spare a dime, I'd be right appreciative. New wheels and tubulars, not so cheap you know.

Johnny Go(broke)Fast

That's laugh out loud shit right there and probably typifies why it is that I love cross racing the most. The guy doing the spitting is absolutely hilarious. I've raced near/with him in the past and he almost does the color commentary during the race. I listen and when I can, chuckle. Last year at the Coyote Point race, I was just in front of him going up the hill when my chain snapped. Like any great comedian, he was quick with a quip. As he passed he said, "looks like somebody is drinking the beer a little earlier than they planned." And he was right. I like being a Fargonad, mos def, but if I didn't, I think my resume would already be in to dfl. Those boys know how to approach this whole racing thing. See you out there rollin' but keep your beer in your mouth. I don't go for those kind of hand-ups.

Johnny GoFast

Ouch. But a fun ouch. An ouch with a happy ending. An ouch that let's you know you're alive. An ouch that you know every one else is feeling and hating just as much. And the reward? A brief respite before a bone jarring descent across washboard and loose dirt. With a climb there ready to smack you in the face before more technical descending and washboard and loose dirt. All so you can get back to the run up and say "ouch" again. Good times, no doubt.

Reaching into the mailbag might be a little over due so here goes:

Hey Johnny,
Are you coming to Santa Rosa on November 1st? It should be GOOD. How's about posting your Cross Schedule on your bloggy blog, so all your fans can show and scream really loud. Laurel Green Santa Rosa, Ca

Hey Laurel-
Thanks for writing in. Doesn't look like I'll be hitting any of the Santa Rosa races this year. I'm booked pretty solid through the middle of December, at least, doing the NorCal Cup races, Pilarcitos and CCCX series and maybe Districts. I've been having a great time racing but the wifeage may have something else to say about it.

Hey Johnny,
We are thinking about getting chickens. What do you recommend? Signed, A chicken lover in Alamo.

Dear Chicken Lover,
I recommend avoiding the foul process of raising fowl. They crap all over your yard, coop building is expensive even if you can get someone to do it for free, and the smell is awful. We are up to seven chickens (three layers and four chicks) now. Their names are: Midnight, Mo-Mo, AJ, Black Out, Dream, Tiny and Princess.

Hey Johnny,
Thanks for losing the weight this year. Sincerely, Your Cross Bike

Cross bike,
Thank you. You know I've been working at it since June 1st (down 20+ pounds and more than 10 pounds off of last years race weight) and with Project Johnny being deemed a complete success at this point, I appreciate you hanging in there with me. I want you to know, though you have recently been reduced to being a back up bike, you never forget that first love.

Anyway, that's all I've got for your today. Kind of flat and really out of it due to the racing yesterday. Hope you are well.

Johnny GoFast

For obvious reasons, this picture is called "The Gun". Anyway, I clearly remember the guy that starts these cyclocross races saying that we would be doing six laps. So after four, after I had told myself at the top of the steep mo-fo climb, that I only had to do it two more times, I saw the lap card saying that we had three more laps. Through the lactic acid hell, with blurry vision and screams of horror that only I could hear (although I later came to learn that others were hearing similar variants of the same thing), I wondered why it was only two more times up when the card said three. And my heart sank as I realized I had miss counted my laps. So I plowed on and at the top of the hill I said to myself as loudly as I could so I could hear myself through the internal screams coursing through my body that now I only had two more times to go up that hill. And I smiled. Or at least I think I did--well internally I did and it confused the screams so they screamed louder. And when I came across the finish line for the last time, I was happy that it was over. Jon Suzuki was dry heaving and I saw a guy tumble over because he couldn't get out of his pedal. Most were in no hurry to move anywhere. This morning I see we did seven laps. Oh the hell. The very devil himself couldn't have come up with this shit if he tried. Cyclocross--only you can make it stop. Hope you are well.

Johnny GoFast