Do dopers suck? My throng of reader recently posted on his website that dopers suck. It's one of those in vogue sayings that rolls off the tongue like "recycle or get off the planet". As a cyclist, you are supposed to nod your head in agreement without questioning the statement. I caught myself wondering the other day while out on a ride if indeed, dopers suck. I mean, what if they are just getting a bad rap? I mean it was once widely believed that the earth was flat and that if you sailed to far, you'd just sail right off.
"Yes Mercutio, it's true the world is flat."
"Why yes Hermaphrodite, of course it is."

But somebody came along and demythed that notion and now it is widely believed that the world is somewhat round. Could it be, as I pedalled, that dopers indeed do not suck? That they could be average, nice, cool, dudes that have been lumped onto a pile of crapheads like Hitler, and Stalin, Marvin Bernard? This topic obviously needed more thought and more than likely more research. The first guy I thought of was David Millar of the ex Cofidis team and now Saunier Duval pro euro team. The guy doped, admitted it, felt great shame and signed another pro contract without so much as a blink/wink of the eye. Would Saunier do this if he wasn't a cool guy? Who would want him around if he sucked? And I hear he likes to party. It's tough to be much of a party boy if your an ass, and I've heard from Lance himself, that David tends to hang out in crowded bars. And what about Tyler? An auspicious beginning making his twin vanish, but he's been nothing but reformed until he was caught with the wrong blood in his veins. I mean, what kind of dude would make such a big deal out of Tugboat the Dog? Certainly not someone society would label as a sucky dude. Woe, wait a minute!! What about Jeff Spicoli? I'm pretty certain that he was a doper, or at least played one in one of the best movies of all time. He didn't roll out of the cloud filled van by himself on the way to the Aloha dance, did he? If he sucked, wouldn't he have had to stay at home alone? Hmmmm. Wholly crap!! What about Paris Hilton. People round the world want to hang out with her. She's the number one party girl of all time and according to my PO (parole officer), alcohol is indeed a drug and therefore she must be a doper. Does she suck? Wait a minute, strike the question. We've all seen the video. Of course she sucks. So let's see, I'm pedalling down the road and I can only conclude that indeed one out of every four dopers sucks. Clearly not worthy of the saying. As I toweled off from my ride, I would need more data if I was to go along the next time somebody said, "dopers suck."

But how? And then it hit me. Crack whores. The pinnacle of all dopers. The big leagues, the elite, the A listers. I needed access to these women. They could figure this whole thing out. So I jumped in my car and down to Capp Street I drove. A cornicopia of hookers on the bottom end of the chain. I'll leave their names out of this, but let me tell you this: staple a $10 bill to your forehead and walk down Capp Street in broad daylight, or anytime for that matter, and you will definitely know that dopers do indeed suck. I guess I can confidently nod my head.

Johnny GoFast (eau natuaral)

Pop goes the weasel when the weasel goes pop. Anyway, do you know the guy on the left? I believe he won the Sea Otter Road Race 40+ cat 4 race but got no love from the promoters. Somehow they missed him crossing the line and somehow the timing chip on his ankle went haywire. Anyway, he's a stud. The schmo on the right is me. I jumped on the last lap hoping for a lead going into the final climb. I worked pretty well with a Webcor guy who was dangling off the front. Then this guy bridged up on a yellow Mavic bike. In my stupor, all I could think about is where did he get the neutral bike? Phil Liggett was in my head, "oh he's really done it now. He's managed to bridge up to the leaders on a borrowed bicycle. That has to be confusing for the two riders who have spent the better half of the day in the wind." And then Bob Roll chimes in, "that absolutely has to be a stab in the heart to the two leaders. Their courageous efforts are headed for the ditch and all they'll have to show for it later this evening are two aching legs and a dented and bruised ego."

Mr. Mavic on the neutral bike indeed dropped us prior to the final climb and solo'd in. I hung like crap to the Webcor guy who eventually left me like a wife who caught me in bed with my secretary. My, "hey wait" didn't even cause a hesitation in his pedal stroke. I lumbered up that hill getting passed by 16 riders in the last K. Ouch. Hats off to the man on the yellow bike.

Johnny GoFast

It dawned on me last night that many of my reader(s) might not have a good idea of whom or what I am. Hopefully my blog will lend some insight into that over time, but I thought it might make some sense to post part of an interview that Velonews did on me a few months back. For those of you that do not subscribe to the magazine, the cover to the left featured me and Jereme Horgan Kobelski. Although he shared the cover with me, I outpaced him in that issue in both photos and content. They like me better. Anyway, hope you are having a great day.

Andrew Hood of Velonews recently caught up with Johnny GoFast in his house in Alamo, California. The lanky and versatile rider had just completed a four hour training ride through the east bay. We had a chance to ask him about his new contract with Pegasus/Vandenberghe Properties, his young family, training, and his controversial place within the Cat 4/40-44 Expert Cross Country/Cyclo Cross A pelotons.

Velonews: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us. You are looking fit and ready for the upcoming season. What has your training entailed this far?

Johnny GoFast: I've been putting in a lot of base mileage the last few months. Working a little in the weight room, and otherwise trying to be with my family.

VN: What are some of your goals for the upcoming season.

JG: Well (laughs), it's really always been about beating Griff on the bike. Nothing else. When I'm out there and it's raining, and I'm in the middle of a tempo set and I'm hours from home, all I can think about is beating Griff. He's pretty fast for a turtle, so I know if I can beat him, I'm not aiming high enough. I want to get a top 10 at Sea Otter in the Cross Country Race (editors note: Johnny GoFast came in 10th in the expert race after crashing 1 minute into the race and having the whole peloton chuckle at him as they weren't even off the pavement yet. He clawed his way through the ranks to post his highest finish yet). I also want to upgrade to Cat 3. All of the guys that I cyclocross race against are 3's or better, so I need to improve to be racing with guys I'm going up against in the fall.

VN: Any secret training weapons you've been using to gain an advantage on Griff?

JG: I have a new teammate on the Pegasus team named Pat McLaughlin. He hammers. He doesn't wear a heart rate monitor or use one of those random wattage tabulators. He just kits up, throws a leg over the cross bar and rides. No science, no intervals, just cranks. When I ride with him, it's get out, start pedalling and shut up. I always come back in worked over. Griff isn't doing that, no way.

VN: How did your contract with Pegasus come about?

JG: There were a lot of opportunities with other teams. My agent had a number of things lined up with Bianchi, Specialized, Trek, etc., but he felt the deal Pegasus was offering was the best for me at this time.

VN: Is it true that you are riding for a 10% shop discount?

JG: Hey man, I've gotten some water bottles, a free tee shirt, some discounted coaching, a free dinner. When you add all that up plus some of the intangibles, like having Pat as a teammate, it really is a great deal.

VN: Isn't it true that some of the factory sponsored teams shied away from you beacause of your checkered history with drug suspensions?

JG: I guess the softball portion of the interview is over (laughs maniacally). There's been a lot made out of some of the false positives I have received in the past. I've done my time. I've always maintained my innocence and I have proof that my twin indeed vanished. You know, everyone is so fast to throw the first stone when a false positive comes up, but where are they when I score a true negative?

VN: You fell down in front of Dick Pound and Hein Verbrugen with a syringe sticking out of your left butt cheek that said, "for Mark McGwire's personal consumption."

JG: Miguel Tejada assured me that it was nothing more than a B12 shot.

VN: Do you even know what B12 is?

JG: (silence)

VN: Let's switch gears. Assuming you weren't happily married with two beautiful children, who would you prefer, Marie Helene Premont or Gunn-Rita Dahle?

JG: Well, they are both pretty hot and they both rip. I suppose I'd go with whoever was on ecstacy.

VN: Which discipline do you prefer? Mountain bike racing, road racing or cyclo Cross.

JG: I really do like them all for various reasons. Where else can you find a total athletic dork fest other than at a road race. I mean some of those roadies are so into the mechanics of a bicycle and the minutiae of training that it almost becomes nauseating. Boys can go fast though, and I got to give props to the crit racers. I still love racing on the dirt, and it's where I set my roots, but the discipline is dying if not already dead. It's frustrating lining up and counting seven other experts in your race and then looking at the sport field with 113. If the sports refuse to upgrade, the interest in the expert field wanes, and races end up sucking. I've discovered Cross and I absolutely crush Griff on the Cross bike, so right now I'd have to say that's my favorite.

VN: What's on deck?

JG: I'm doing Wente road race and the Napa Valley Dirt Classic and the Madera Stage Race. I'll look for some more races/crits in May and then I'll shut'er down and go back to base training in prep for Cross.

VN: Thanks and goodluck with everything.

At this point, Johnny was shuffled off into a dark recess by Victor Conte for a "rub down". I packed up my things and was escorted to the door by one of Johnny's entourage and asked to present a copy of the article and interview prior to going to print. I did not comply with the request. Andrew Hood Velonews

Anyway, that give you an idea. It was pretty much a hatchet job, but what do you expect in this day and age of pinko journalism.

Johnny GoFast

Wow, I've made it to day two on my own blog. I'm really cranking now. The little dude to the left in the goggles and helmet is my boy Jackson. He obviously loves skiing and also likes to ride his bike, go figure. When I'm not out riding, I'm playing "thrash daddy" with the little guy and his sister Maile. Keeps me young, keeps me happy.

Today I'm going to do some sprints at lunchtime. I've identified this as a weakness of mine, so I'm going to work on that a bit. I'm also working out the lyrics to a song I'm writing. Can't decide if it is going to be a thrash metal piece for my mountain bike rides, or a country tune for my road bike rides. Maybe you can log in and tell me what I should have riffling through my head when I'm out in a break on the road or jamming along on the mountain bike. I like a country tune when I'm working in a break or solo as country songs typically are about loner asskickers, and that's sort of the situation you are in when you are riding aggressively off the front. Redneck Mother by Jerry Jeff Walker is probably my favorite to sing in my head..."He was born, in Oklahoma, his wife's name is Betty Lou Thelma Liz, he's not responsible for what he's doin', cause his momma made him what he is. And it is up against the wall redneck mother, mother who has raised her sons so well, he's 34 and drinkin' in a honky tonk, just kickin' hippees asses and raisin' hell." Anyway, that or Burning Ring of Fire by the Man or My Hero's Have Always Been Cowboys by Willie or you get the idea. Don't be thinkin' that I'm a cross burnin' hood wearing freak from the south, because I'm not. I just identify with the hard scrabble life of middle america and the hard work it takes to exist when you aren't given all the talent in the world. On the mountain bike I'm usually listening in my head to Metallica's For Whom the Bell Tolls or Judas Priest's Screaming for Vengence or Black Sabbaths Sabbath Bloody Sabbath or similar. Mountain bike racing calls for the uptempo and frantic pedaling more conducive to the metal. Of course descending on the road or dirt calls for a little Chopin, but admitting that I hear classical music in my head here is probably a little out of whack. Griff, you may want to try some classical music for your descending and then maybe you will be able to keep up. All these years I've held out my number one tip. So now you know. Anyway, my song is below. Help me out if you are so inclined.


I'm out here ridin',
On my own again.
Turnin' these pedals,
My legs in pain.

Those 1,2,3's,
What do they think,
Do they suffer,
Are they on the brink?

Cat 4 hero,
Racin' out of sight,
You can't brag,
You got no right.

Mike Jones is so pro,
and Travis Browns a legend,
Abalson's golden,
and you are fledglin'.

Cat 4 hero,
Racin' out of sight,
You can't brag,
You ain't got the right.

Either blistering guitar solo here or something accoustic if it's country

Cat 4 hero,
Racin' out of sight,
You can't brag,
You ain't got the right.


Johnny GoFast

So I turned 40 today, and with the inspiration of my good friend Steve Griffiths, decided I'd treat myself to a blog. In years past, I would drink until I puked or done something really ridiculous like pull a thousand meters for every year I was celebrating. But in a day and age of technology, why not do something really advanced? So blog I go.

The picture next door is indeed me. Notice the white knuckles and the wrinkled brow as this life like crit racer navigates the Menlo Park Crit. Shortly after this pic was taken, a bone jarring crash erupted right next to me. Thank goodness for tear away underware. I went on to a very apathetic 8th place, too scared to sprint. Having grown up on the dirt and being a great descender, I often find myself overwhelmed in crits. Very impressive to those who seem to ride with no fear at all. See you at the next post.

Johnny GoFast