Wifeage: I'm on my way to Costco...is there anything you can think of that we need a pallet of?

GoFast: Do they sell luck?

Wifeage: Seriously. I don't have time for this.

GoFast: Why are you going to Costco?

Wifeage: I'm going to pick up some wrapping paper.

GoFast: Don't we already have enough to wrap the entire neighborhood?

Wifeage: Yes, but the kids have seen all that paper. I need to get some paper they haven't seen to wrap the "Santa" presents. I'm going to hide it in the computer room behind the bed.

GoFast: Why are you telling me where you are going to hide it?

Wifeage: In case something happens to me.

GoFast: Should something happen to you, I think the least of what I'm going to be concerned about is where the special "Santa" paper is. I mean that's just insane. How can you keep this many balls in the air? In fact, if something happens to you, I'm fairly certain that the kids are going to find out that in a complete and total shock to the world, Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all died on the same day you did.

Wifeage: You don't need to kill the Tooth Fairy. I've only remembered to leave money once. You've been doing an excellent job remembering to be the fairy.

GoFast: Okay, the fairy gets to live. But Santa and the Bunny are going down.

Wifeage: Please break it to them softly.

GoFast: Don't let anything happen to you.


Of course later, when they figure out that she was Santa and I was the Fairy, they'll have all sorts of gender questions for me. But at least I won't have to remember which paper is which for the sake of Santa. It's not even December yet, and the insanity has begun. Somebody save me.

Johnny GoFast

So a while back, my buddy Griff had a little scare with some of his plumbing and now he's got to get checked by the pros every year. They have to do a pretty comprehensive exam which includes looking at his lungs. Every time, he's proud to tell me, they have to readjust the camera so that they can get all of his lungs into the frame. The way he tells it, they practically have to pull back to outer space. The doctors always tell him that his lung size is very unusual.

As a result of a lot of people dropping dead around me from heart failure (lady at work's husband, associate at a company we represent, president of a company we represent, brother of a guy I know in Minnesota--all recently flat lined) I figured it couldn't hurt to get a check up from the old family practitioner. So he hooked me up to about 10 wires that were attached to these metal things that they attached with tape to my chest. Then they flicked some buttons and a machine nearby whirred to life. Shortly thereafter, some paper spit out of the machine and the doctor ripped it and held it up to his eyes for a better look. He checked some knobs on the machine and then he looked at me. "Do you work out a lot," he asked as he continued to adjust some knobs on the machine. "I do a lot of bike racing," I answered. "Ah, that explains it. You have a heartbeat that is consistent with what we see in professional athletes." I beamed. "Just to be certain, I would like to do an ultrasound and measure the side of your heart wall." The ultrasound confirmed his original suspicion and then he added, "your heart is extremely healthy."

So take that Griff. You may have the lungs, but I've got the heart. He did say that if I stop working out, my heart will grow old very quickly so I need to keep at it. Whatever, I think I'm all in at this point so I'll worry about that later. For now, I think I'll take my PRO heart for a ride up Diablo.

Johnny GoFast

Well how about that, my mood is in the toilet yet again. This cross racing thing is really starting to wear me down. How is it that I do this for fun and I end up so pissed off? Yesterdays race will take all of a nanosecond to detail. Turn two, I got collected in a crash, smashed my mouth into someone elses pedal, ruined my derailleur and couldn't continue. Cut the mouth up pretty good, but didn't lose any teeth. Sore, but they're still in there as we speak. I was in my car and headed home before the people that came to race were done with lap two. When it comes to racing, I hate my luck. Then again, I guess I'm not exactly creating it either, so maybe I need to rethink all this.

As for the rest of the weekend...the boy got sick on Thanksgiving day which put a damper on going over to the brothers for the feast. Did manage to do the race/ride on Thursday morn and was somewhat in the mix until the end. Pegasus managed to repeat winning the most glorious race there is as Pat McLaughlin easily won the sprint against some reigning national crit champion. I'm horrible with names and basically have to be told who's good and who's a so and so, but everyone concluded that it was a great accomplishment to beat the kid.

Did the House of Pain on Saturday with Jonathan Laine of Sierra Nevada Bikes Plus fame. Talked about all sorts of non-sense which made the ride that much more enjoyable. Apparently he's got some new fangled training book that indicates that to get faster, you need to sometimes go slower and focus on moderate intensity. With this nugget of knowledge, no doubt, Mr. Laine will be flying in no time.

Anyway, hope you are well.

Johnny GoFast

So tomorrow you will find me doing a ride called the Thanksgiving Day Worlds. It leaves from Danville at 9am and features every level of rider from your cat 1 to your garden variety Iron Horse Trail marauder. I've heard told that there are close to 300 people that start this ride. It goes fairly mellow down to Dublin and then the pace ratchets up something fierce coming back toward Blackhawk where there is a manly throw down sprint for the town line. Last year, Pegasaurus turned Lombardi fashion plate Robert Winder won the sprint, so there is some pressure on us to duplicate.

My modest hope for tomorrow is to avoid touching pavement. Pat the Pegasaurus calls this ride the Thanksgiving Day FDR (Festival of Dangerous Riders). As I am someone who has spent his fair share of time pinballing his way through the cat 4's, I'm not sure I like that name. And here's another thing that is annoying: any ride that puts the title Worlds on the end of their ride. If some hot chick isn't handing you a rainbow jersey and asking you to leak into a cup, Worlds doesn't belong in the name. I hear those mongers out at the lab have been throwing the name on the end of their Tuesday Lunchtime ride. What's next? The House of Pain Worlds...The Spectrum Ride Worlds...The Sierra Nevada/Bikes Plus/Specialized Training Ride #3 Worlds...The Hey Look Johnny GoFast Went For a Ride Worlds? No doubt we've all heard about the evening ride in Durango that every pro likes to drop as their regular training ride. Maybe they are the originators of so shamelessly stealing the moniker, but do we all have to copy? Pretty lame. Unless I win the sprint, of course. Then it will be the highlight of my season and I will unleash a victory salute that will make Paolo Bettini and Robert Winder look like mere children waving their hands about their heads as if they are shooing away a bug no one else can see. Enjoy your long weekend.

Johnny GobbleFast

So my wife is probably a lot like your wife, or if you are the wife, probably a lot like you. She flitters this way and that, shuttling the kids this way and that. An exhausting pace, that has her ragged by the end of the day. But it could be worse, I suspect. You see, the other day when I got home from my race in Prunedale, we had the usual discussions on how it went, what broke, who'd I beat, etc. It was then that I asked her if she was planning on coming to any of the races. At the beginning of the cross season, I gave her a schedule of races, when I would leave the house and return from said race and then I underlined those races that I would hope she would consider coming to. You know, it's kind of cool getting to race in front of the kids. The wife, not so much. I mean don't get me wrong, I love that she's there. Sometimes, however, her take on it is a little different. Keeping two squirrelly little kids from getting run over while watching agro spandexed dorks go around in circles while mud occasionally flings her way, is not exactly high on her list of things to do. But, if she ever does go to a race, she says she likes the cross races the best. And she hasn't been to one this year. Anyway, I challenged her that she had long ago lost my list. It's then that she said, "no I didn't. I put it in the Activities Binder under Race Schedule." Okay, stop. Go back and read my wife's quote, but this time, do it in a geeky Poindexter type voice. Anyway, she then produced this book that had everything in it. It was like seeing the whole family schedule for the next forty years. Ballet sections, gymnastic sections, family vacation sections, sports and leisure sections. Amazing. I've read about these suburban women that snort their kid's Ritalin to give them that extra boost. I don't know where she's scoring her go-go, but holy mackerel, she's got it going on.

Anyway, the race went great as you all know. The course was outstanding and I felt pretty strong through out the race. It was fun to be out there mashing in the mud. My result, as Griff was so quick to point out, was exactly mediocre (just as many in front of me as behind). But I at least was in spitting distance of some fast guys this time, so that's cool.

The wife is headed out of town tomorrow on a much deserved Wild Women Weekend. But with the Activities Binder, how could I go wrong?

Johnny GoFast

Okay people, today's posting is pretty basic. You see how in this photo, these two guys are on the front and duking it out? In a race, that is ideal. In a race, you want to have more people behind you than in front of you. If you can do that, you are doing well and people will call you a good racer.



Okay, in this picture, you will see what not to do. In a race, you need to remember that it is only a race if you have people behind you or you are at least within spitting distance of those in front of you. Clearly, the racer in this photo fails to grasp this concept. Maybe this racer took solace in the fact that he was beating the four or five guys visible in the background. Note: the guys in the back ground do not appear to be racing. People, do not be this type of racer. This concludes the lesson.


Johnny GoSlow

Well lookie here, I've got another letter in my mail bag. That makes two in the last week. I'm slowly picking up some steam with my readership. This weeks letter comes from Mike Vomund of Danville, California. I've gotten to know Mike through the Pegasaurus Racing Team. I like the way he rides. He goes hard at every opportunity and loves to make people suffer. Last year he won a major award for being the Best Closet Reader of This Blog as voted on by me. Anyway, somehow he got wind of the fact that I've been blogging as him. I was hoping to get away with this shenanigan for a few more weeks, but I guess the jig is up based on the following letter:

Dear Johnny-

Hmmmm a mystery!!!!!!!

I return from one of those fitness robbing weeks on the road and figure I'd catch up on some of my favorite bloggers. One click leads to another and before I know it I'm shocked to see that someone has stolen the Vomonster moniker, even more shocking is that it's "lit up" to indicate a real life link.

Curiousity draws me to learn more, so I click "Vomonster".

My eyes must have popped out of the socket - there in real life (if there such thing on the web) is a Vomonster Blog site.

My Sherlock Holmes instincts tell me there is only one writer as witty as the one who put this together - and that is you Mr. Go Fast. The mystery writer missed of few facts, but I must admit he (or she) got 95% right (at least outside the petrochemical industry discussion) and I found myself chuckling at how spot on you nailed it.

So Mr. Go Fast - I certainly won't have the blog skills of many out there - but I'd like to reclaim my moniker (I think I even have some stuff in the vault). Can you give me the password, or whatever in the heck I need to work that blog thing.

Thanks
Mike (off to go attack on the first rollers on highland) Vomund


Anyway, I've set up a link to The VoMonster Blogspot on my site if you want to give him a read. I remember when I launched my blogsite to a virtual pin drop. His comes with some posts and comments already. I guess that's what you can enjoy when you call Johnny GoFast your teammate. Hope you are well. My legs hurt from racing yesterday.

Johnny GoFast

So I stopped by the bike store yesterday afternoon to pick myself up some of those Tufo tubular clincher type tires for my cross bike. Still holding out dreams of completing a race this year. Anyway, I walked out of there some $1,250. lighter having had to also buy a couple of sets of Ritchie wheels. As I made my way down the Boulevard, I could only wonder what the hell possessed me to drop such a large amount of money. Heck, for that kind of money, most people would expect a bike to be attached to the wheels as well. "Oh dear Lord what have I done," kept rolling through my brain like a jackhammer. And there was the wifeage to confront. So I got out my cookbook. Literally. I chose a recipe that I know she would like, wrote down the ingredients and I traipsed off to the store. I saw a neighbor lady and she asked why I wasn't at work and shopping. "Making the wife dinner," I said proudly. Less audibly I added, "spent a lot of money at the bike store today." She just smiled in a way that said, "good luck with that."

By the time she got home, my meal was well underway and the house was filled with a wonderful aroma. Candles were lit and the table set. She met me with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. Feeling guilty, I spilled. I didn't sugar coat it. When I was done, she simply asked if I thought it would improve my bikes and racing and I said yes. "Well then, it's probably worth it." And that was that. So no pan to the head, but give me time. My mouth sometimes has a way of correcting any good guy points I might have scored.

One further note: Pat McLaughlin needs to do an overhaul on his wife's bike. His wife came by me on the trail the other day and I heard her from a block away. Her bike squeaks like it's been left out in the sprinklers for a week. Dude, she may not say it, but she really does want you to look after her bike every once in a while. My guess is that she will be so pleased with you that you'll have carte blanche down at the shop as well (and isn't that all we are looking for these days). That's just me talking. Hope you are well.

Johnny GoFast

With great apologies to my brother from another mother up in Truckee (Hint: He has three G's in his name), this post is the obligatory day after Halloween rambling. I'm not a big fan, but my kids and wife are, so I go along. As you can see from the photo, the boy went as a baseball player and the girl was a princess (hard to believe, I know). There was the school parades and the showing of the kiddiewinks to the folks down at the rockpile and such followed by the annual assault on Uncle Michael's house for pizza and beer and trick or treating. The kids hung in there but they were ragged by the end, no doubt.

So yesterday my boy asks me if there is a baseball player with his skin type. My wife is Japanese, so I figured he is starting to become self aware enough to know that his ass is not as white as mine. Perplexed, I started throwing out obscure Japanese baseball players or even Latino baseball players before I finally arrived at the obvious Ichiro. Later, my wife discovered that the only baseball player he knows is Barry Bonds who is arguably not Japanese. So I was asked to come up with a caucasian player and I blurted out JT Snow. He has to be the whitest of them all.

Enough about that. Got the Griffociraptor for a power sesh on Diablo this afternoon. Should be an old fashioned smack down. See G#@GG, a little something in there just for you.

Johnny GoFast